Letter to My Heavenly Father and Quiet Time Review

Letter to My Heavenly Father

Dear Daddy,

Andy was super awesome and super cool and super friendly!   We will miss him!

I’m so hurt right now!  Westlake High School Class of 2007 has suffered some huge losses.  Nakesha, Erston, Shomari, and now Andy…  God, I know that You are in control and all that I can do is say “Amen” and follow You.  But God, I am hurting.  I am concerned.  Ehh, anyways…

Praises:

†       It has been a year since they found and removed my cancer.

†       It has been a year since I had surgery and didn’t wake up right away.  Thanks for saving me.

†       I’ll…

God, I can’t.  My mind is so flawed right now.  Souls are on the line.  People don’t have a relationship with You and they are dying!  I’m not referring to anyone in particular but just in general.  I’m so sad. 

Guide me LORD, show me what You want me to do.

Love,

Your Daughter

Brittanie-Claire Johnson

Quiet Time Review

So today I continued to read Exodus.  Oh, how boring it was getting.  LOL.  Seriously, I was like where is this going God?

From Exodus 25 to Exodus 30, I was reading specifications for things such as the Altar of Incense, the Bronze Altar, and the Priest’s Garments.  It was exhausting.

But in Exodus 31, I got what it meant for my life.  God gave Moses all these elaborate specifications for what He wanted done and how He wanted it done in Exodus 25 to Exodus 30 but in Exodus 31, He provided people to complete His Will!

What does that mean for me or you?

Well, sometimes we feel like God is telling us to do something or go somewhere but we hesitate because we feel like we can’t do it.  Truth is, we probably can’t but if it is in God’s will, He will provide.

†        Do you have a ministry that you feel like God called you to begin?  Step out on faith because God has you!

†        Do you feel God is directing you to go on a mission trip?  Look into it!  Don’t worry about the cost yet!  You never know how God will provide for you!

So, y’all, I am going to Passion 2013!  I’ve wanted to go since 2010 but I never set aside money to attend.  This year, money has been super tight (lol, I am a 6^th year college student) but I prayed about attending Passion 2013 and wanting to surround myself with God’s children and I received a scholarship to attend courtesy of Beth Moore! 

Now, I am not saying that God told you to buy that car and you know you don’t have the money but I am saying that when something is in God’s will, He will provide.  Trust Him!

Love y’all!

B-C

Psalm 46:10

Psalm 46:10
He says, "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."


Dear God,

You would think that I would be thankful for the stillness in my life right now.  I guess I don't trust you.  Usually, in my case, when there is calm, either a storm is coming or I'm in the middle of it.  Could it be that this time, the storm is over?  Psalm 46:10 has constantly popped up around me since 2007.  You know me.  I have to recognize that.  I've always tried to rush and do things on my own.  I've learned that I can't do anything on my own.  I've tried to, boy, have I tried to.
You would think that I would be content for the stillness of life but I am so used to things happening, that now, I am having a hard time to relax.  le sigh.

I don't have much to say today but You know my heart.  I'm just trying to get to know Yours.

Love,

Brie!

8/11/12

Hey Loves!  I apologize for being so sporadic with my blogging.  Hopefully with this new format, I will blog more often.  I went on vacation for a while and decided it was best not to blog while on vacay!

So about my format, I haven't completely decided what I am doing but I know today- I am sharing my letter to God.  I write them ever so often.

This letter came around because I talked to my ex-boyfriend yesterday.  Le Sigh.  He has so much growing up to do- you think him having a kid would have helped.  I get upset with myself whenever I think of him because of who he is.  Not trying to down him but WHAT WAS I THINKING? Ehh. Le Sigh again.  When people would ask me if I would marry him, I would say "yes but then I would divorce him in a few years."  LOL. I'm rude.  Apparently, he wants to be friends or be on good terms or something weird.  It ain't happening.  Too much hurt there.

Then I thought about it.  I said, "Self, why are you hurt?  I mean, I know that he went back and forth between you and that other female.  I know he lied about getting some random girl pregnant when in reality it was the other female.  BUT WHY YOU MAD?"

My flesh is mad but my spirit is thanking GOD!  I could have ended up with that guy.  I could have had his kid. Ehhh.  Just to think about it.  I think about my ideal man and he might have 1/2 of a quality.  So yeah, I am so done with being in my feelings about that man/boy/midget.  WHATEVER.  Okay, that wasn't Christ like but the flesh is weak!

So, I was all in my feelings after I talked to him yesterday but I refuse to let him control my emotions.

So--- my letter to God today.

dear GOD,

GOD, i feel so empty.  FILL ME! i'm back at school. most of my "friends" have graduated. i'm lonely. i don't even have classes on my schedule. i'm in pain! i have no boyfriend! I'M COMPLAINING! Sorry!  i know i have a lot to be thankful for but i want to GROW.  i want to GROW ENOUGH IN YOU that i'm ready for my husband.  he has got to be a leader with a heart for YOU!  i don't want a man of the world. i crave the attention of them sometimes but i'm giving that to YOU as well! i'm working on me: my relationship with YOU!, my school, my friend group, my weight, my modesty and my attitude!

I LOVE YOU!

Thanks for everything You've done and doing!

The Dream

So, y'all, I don't remember dreams.  Like, you know how some people can tell you all the dreams they've had for the past few weeks.  Well, usually when I go to sleep- everything stops working.  I don't remember my DREAMS.

lol. I was getting a little angry there!  Seriously though, I only remember one dream and I don't remember all of it. 

Disclaimer: Don't judge it because it seems random!

I was at a train station with my mother.  Not like a subway station or anything like that but like a railroad train station.  It was a simple train station.  It only had one room, two doors and a one set of train tracks.  The first door was the door to enter/exit the train station.  The second door was to enter a larger room that was moreso like a destination.

Sorry for the rudimentary rendering but I don't feel like doing a better one!

I was at the train station for a layover.  We had boarded the first train and the conductor told us that we should wait outside because he wasn't sure when the second train was coming.  As time passed, I got bored of waiting outside and decided that I could at least go into the main station room since my mother was waiting outside.  Upon entering the main station room, I saw a lot of familiar faces.  It seemed to be a reunion of some sorts.  We laughed, we talked and we joked like we hadn't seen each other for years.  They began to tell me about the secondary station room and how their was a party going on in there.  I told my friends that it seemed fun but my mother was waiting for me outside, we had a train to catch and I didn't want to miss it.  My friends only laughed at that and told me that there would be other trains that we could all catch later.

At that moment, I peeked into the secondary station room.  Boy, did it seem like fun.  Imagine partying on the weekend with an unlimited amount of money and energy.  That was the secondary station room.  I really wanted to go into the secondary station room but just then, my mother came to the first door and told me the train should be arriving soon.  I heard her but chose to ignore her.  I didn't go back outside by the train tracks but I didn't go into the secondary station room.  I told myself that I could wait it out in the main station room and if the train was taking too long, then I could just go to the secondary station room.

My friends, one by one, decided to leave and go into the secondary station room to party their butts off!  Although I was slightly jealous, I decided that I could still stay in the main station room.  As I was making up my mind, I heard the train whistle and my mother call to me.  I proceeded to yell through the doorway of the second door to tell my friends that the train was coming and they could catch it now.  A few of my friends ignored me and a few came to the door- but that was it, they couldn't come back through the doorway.  They were stuck in the secondary station room.  After a few moments of crying because we were separated, I ran to catch the train.  The first person to greet me on that train was my Grandma.

:-)

Okay. So I am FULLY aware that was a VERY random dream BUT tomorrow I will explain what the dream meant to me.  Stay tuned!

My Thursday. Le Sigh.

Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.



Okay, now that I have that verse out of the way.  Let me explain my Thursday.

I've been a Christian for years but recently I decided to live for Christ.  It is such a huge difference in the two and I KNEW that but the flesh [what society/satan wants] has been winning for the longest.  God has become the love of my life recently and I just can't get enough.  I always want to talk to Him, read His word, do His work, and fellowship with His people.  I mean I LOVE GOD.  It isn't any of the lukewarm, pettiness that I've been doing since I was young- I am in LOVE!  Okay...  So I've been reading His word everyday and meditating on what it means to me and my life.  I've been working on my attitude because anyone who knows me, knows that I can snap in a minute.  And, honestly, God is working in me.  I'm a positive, bubbly, joyful Christian.  So anyways back to what has been happening the past few days...

On Wednesday evening, my mother and I returned to Athens, GA so that she could finish up one of her classes and so that I could finish packing my apartment.  On our way out, midway down the driveway, I asked my mother if she wanted me to drive.  I had no idea what awaited us on the road, I just asked did she want me to drive so that she could rest before class the next day.  On our way it thunderstormed so bad that I could barely see.  Lightening was striking right in front of us.  Traffic was ridiculously crazy.  But overall, I got through it and made it to Athens.  Yay!  So- details on how it was awesome that my mother wasn't driving.  Well, she can't drive in the dark AND since she had those strokes in '93 her vision hasn't been optimal!

Once we arrived in Athens, we checked in at the hotel and got to our room.  Our room was nice and I promptly made a cup of tea and had my Quiet Time. During my Quiet Time, I read over the verse Psalm 118:24.  Psalm 118:24 This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.  After my Quiet Time, I quite couldn't get to sleep, which was slightly annoying.  So I didn't get to sleep until after two o'clock in the morning.  RISE AND SHINE AND GIVE GOD THE GLORY! At five-something in the morning, my mom decided that she needed to call her friend and wish her well on her way to work- as her friend was resigning that  day.  Well, I was a Bad Mood Betty.  Seriously, mom? Seriously?  You HAVE to call your friend at five o'clock in the morning?  So I decided to grunt and moan to hint to my mother to get off the phone.  After about 45 minutes of that not working, I just sat up and let out a HUGE unnatural sigh!  Honestly folks, I was ticked!  So, since we only brought one car to Athens and have to be in two different places, I have to drive her to class at eight o'clock AM and then I can either go back to the hotel or go to my apartment.  I decided after dropping her off at class that I would go back to the hotel and get some sleep.  Then I remembered that the cleaning staff at this particular hotel like to arrive at nine o'clock in the morning to clean rooms.  So I said, I will just stay up until the cleaning staff get to my hotel room.  Well, a little after  nine o'clock, I hear loud noises outside of the room. I choose to ignore them and HOPE they go away.  I then realized that I left my curtains open and that people could see inside the room.  Just as I reach the curtains, a man is reaching for the shutters to close them.  Weird but okay.  Now the noise is getting louder.  Even weirder.  Then I hear water.  At this point, I am ticked off again.  Are you all really pressure washing the outside of my hotel room at nine o'clock?  Seriously?  Where they  do that at?  Clearly at the Foundry Inn!  So I pray on it and tell myself that it is okay.  He will move on to the next room soon.  BUT before he can do that.  This man decides to pressure wash the door.  As he is pressure washing the door at NINE O'CLOCK in the morning, bugs and water start entering the room.  Nope.  Not me. I'm not dealing with it.  
I storm out of the room and go to my apartment.

It gets better!  As I get in the car to drive to my apartment, my NO GOOD ex-boyfriend calls me.  The one who I could go FOREVER without hearing from.  The one who got his OTHER girlfriend pregnant when I was sick last summer and she now has his kid but I'm supposed to be cool with it because technically we weren't together.  Yeah, that one.  But luckily, for him, my phone was broken and I couldn't even hear it ring.  :)  Well after getting to my apartment and cleaning for a little while, I decided that it was time to go back to the hotel and get some sleep.  I figured that they should be done with the cleaning and the pressure washing.  Well, I was almost right.  But Brandy said it best, "Almost doesn't count."  The room had not been cleaned.  le sigh.  So, I realize that this nap- that is well needed- won't be happening just yet.  So I turn on my cartoons and as soon as I get comfortable. Knock, knock.  Housekeeping.  I was actually excited that she was there because as soon as she left, I was going to sleep.  Well, remember the tea that I had last night in the hotel mug.  She proceeds to wipe it out with a dirty rag and place it back on the tray. LE GAG! Then, she ask me to help her make the bed.  CAN'T YOU SEE I AM READING MY BIBLE? [well I said that in my head]

Once she leaves, I get my nap and later go pick up my mother from class.  We go out to dinner and get back to the hotel.  We watch television.  She studys for a test.  I read the Bible. then...





















COCKROACH! At this point, my mother sees a HUGE cockroach climbing on the wall. le barf.  I decide to woman up.  I grab my shoe and I say, "When this thing reappears I am going to smush it."  My logic was that I would just smush the sucker and throw away the shoes.  Yeah, I know... Why throw away a shoe?  As soon  as I actually saw the HUGE COCKROACH, I started crying.  I couldn't even go near it.  I think I jumped onto the bed.  Now, my mother is yelling at me because I am crying.  Once we realize that we are no match for the mighty roach, my mother calls the front desk and they offer to change our rooms.  We move to the next room and GUESS WHAT?  The room smells like urine and there was a spider on the pillow.   I surrender.  I give up.  Thursday was NOT my day.  They finally move us to a room where there are no roaches nor spiders nor urine.  At one in the morning we finally get to sleep and at five am, her phone rings.

So, to sum it ALL up- I feel like I am being TESTED or TEMPTED or SOMETHING.  Why is it that everytime I take a scripture to heart, the VERY NEXT DAY it seems like someone wants to know if I remembered it?

All in all, I was grateful for the day.  Stay tuned for my reflection on Friday because it gets even better!

It's Been A While...

Hey Loves!

I know I haven't posted on here in a while but know that I love you.  I haven't been feeling the best lately.  Last night, I was in complete pain.  I had no idea what to do, it felt like I was giving birth.  Weird, huh?  I'm going to the doctor sometime this week because I cannot live like this.  I know that God is my Jehovah Rapha and that He has me through this storm. [Boy, has this been a storm.]  I'm learning to rely on God for everything, even relief from pain.  I can't take pain medicine forever.  I can't go to the hospital once a month. I can't go to the doctor every week.  God, my Jehovah Rapha, is going to have to set me free from this disease.  I'm not really going to post more about my health right now but just know that I am beginning to change the way I eat, start working out and pray about my health.  I'm also praying for my besties' health as well.  We really want to go to school in the Fall.  

Obamacare and Me!

I know I have it better than a lot of people.  I do know that.  Even though we sometimes act barbaric, being born in a first world country is a great luxury.  It saddens me sometimes though because we can’t seem to get it together.  For those of you who have known me since I was a child, you know that I come from a world of conservative people.  Well, at least they are conservative in today’s society.  You know the conservative people who do not believe in Gay Marriage.  Yeah, that type.  The demographics of my church leaned heavily in favor of upper middle class white people.  Now if you continue to read this, please don’t be offended by my views because they are my views and this is my blog.  J

In the Fall Semester, I wrote on one of my other blogs about how blessed I was to be born in the United States of America.   I am sincerely blessed.  I have a chronic illness called Crohn’s Disease and they also believe I have endometriosis. Some days I am in so much pain that I can’t even function.  My body can’t digest food correctly.  I can’t eat raw fruits or veggies.  I can’t eat fried or greasy foods.  I can’t eat spicy foods.  I have a long list of things that I just cannot eat or else I will be in severe pain and hospitalized. 

I was diagnosed on April 19^th 2011 and I am so happy to have been born in America.  Although my medical bills are sky high, I have a chance to be seen by the doctor.  I also get the best medication for my illness and also pain medicine for when I am in pain.  That is definitely a first world privilege. 

I have had my battles with the Emergency Room, when they just give me an injection of steroids, pain medication and fluids; then let me go.  Although that is very frustrating some days because I feel like I need to be admitted, I understand that I am better off than most people. 

Last summer, my medical bills were piling up and I felt as if I was always coming to my mother to pay some bill.  $45 to see my GI doctor. $1,000 for an MRI.  $150 for the Emergency Room.  $3,000 for the a 3 day hospital stay.  So I told her to stop paying them and that I would handle it.  That was the biggest joke I could have ever told.  I tried to keep up by applying for financial assistance.  Sometimes I was approved, sometimes I was denied.  It tooks months for people to process the paperwork for financial assistance and by that time the bills were already turned over to creditors.  Thank God that I am almost finished with my bills. 

So, why am I writing about this?           

I support President Obama.  I do not like some of the things that he supports or condones, such as him supporting gay marriage or his stance on illegal immigrants.  I do wish that he would have accomplished more during his term but I also understand that it was hard enough for him to accomplish these things.

“Obamacare” is a serious blessing.  I am 23, sick and still in college.  I’m not sure when I will be able to finish school and I am not sure when I will be healthy but the Affordable Care Act is a step in the right direction.  I get so frustrated when people that I grew up around call “Obamacare” foolish or a step in the wrong direction for this country.  I get so upset when I see people label other people as “takers.”  I get straight PISSED when people think that everyone doesn’t need healthcare. 

I’ve heard so many times that people should rely on churches, charities, private donations and Christians if they fall on hard times or need help with medical bills.  Well…  let me bring it back to a point I made earlier,  I grew up in a upper middle class society.  My church is mostly upper middle class.  For the duration of the past year, not one person from the church [as a representative] has come to my home, hospital or even called me.  And now, people say I am to rely on the church or Christians to help me fund this?  Trick, please.  There has been no outside help during this time, not even a comforting visit for my family when I wasn’t waking up after surgery.  Now, I am not upset about this but I realize that without insurance I would be sick and have a serious cancerous tumor on my appendix.

I’m not really sure on the details of “Obamacare” but I do know that this is a step in the right direction.  No one should have to go without healthcare.  If I didn’t have it I would have never had the surgery and the doctors would have never found the cancerous tumor that was 1mm away from killing me. 

Love You!

Lovers and Friends...

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.  -Proverbs 4:23

So last night I was completely in my feelings, like completely in my feelings.  It wasn't a negative "in my feelings" but it was a reflective "in my feelings."
I was always told to get to know---------- Okay, what I am about to write will sound super bitter but I AM NOT BITTER.  At least not anymore.


< < Rewind


At this one point in time, in the far past, I had a boyfriend.  Like a real, exclusive boyfriend- not one who was sowing his wild -short- oats everywhere [but I digress].  I took my time getting to know him and we became great friends- or so I thought.  When we broke up, we remained friends and I was ecstatic.  I loved the fact that I still had this guy as my best friend.  He knew me and I knew him.  I started dating other guys and we were still friends.  I remember staying on the phone for hours after I got out of class, laughing like friends would.   After I got into my next serious [not so serious but at the time I thought it was] relationship, we still remained great friends UNTIL THE DAY HE GOT A GIRLFRIEND.

Now this is usually the time when females say, "Niggas Ain't Ish," and I would have said this in 2010 but my mindset has evolved.  We still talked a little here and there after he got his girlfriend but the talks were very brief and then they disappeared.  Summertime came and my dumb self was excited because my friend was coming home.  We made plans to work out together and I even took him out for his birthday.  That is when I knew something was different.  He LIED to his girlfriend and said that he was out with a group of friends.  The whole time we were out, he moaned and groaned about how he lied to his girlfriend.  -__-  To take someone out for their birthday and the whole time they aren't even mentally there... Ehh.  After that, he called me to cancel every other thing we had planned for the summer.  I was so heartbroken because I had lost my best friend.

Fast Forward  > >


I saw this dude the other week and he said I was "distant."  I almost laughed until I peed on myself.  This is the same guy that would hit me up and then say he would have to call me back- and never did.  I'm not necessarily distant- I am respecting the distance that YOU created.  Now please don't get me wrong, I am happy that he is happy but I've learned a lot from this situation.

Lesson Learned:

Niggas Ain't Ish!  I mean, it is cool to still pursue friendship while I am in a relationship but AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO ONE, we are no longer friends.  I've learned to cut people off before they cut you off. Well not in such a rash decision type but I just don't understand guys.  They are beginning to really annoy me.  I don't want to be friends with another guy, just to break up and the friendship is over at their convenience. That is the dumbest thing to me.  Become friends, date, break up- So what happens to that friendship?  Crap seems pointless.  Oh well!  I mean this has happened in most of my mini-relationships and I really miss the guys friends that I've had.  It isn't necessarily the romantic part of the relationship but the actual friendship that I miss.  Eh.

I'm still looking for that "can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of love."

End Rant.  Fixes Pearls.  Logs Off.

FAT!

I sat here for about 20 secs and thought about what I would name this post.  I thought about weight, a journey and then FAT popped into my mind.  As I was getting ready today, Unsung on TVOne was featuring The Fat Boys.   To my mother's surprise, I had never heard of them before today but what shocked me was how they made being a FAT rapper popular.  In the television show, they spoke about how The Fat Boys paved the way for artists such as The Notorious B.I.G.

Today, as I ate my chicken [yeah, I am a struggling vegetarian] biscuit from Martin's, grabbed an ice cream from Sam's Club, cooked stuffed salmon and spinach for dinner and watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, I pondered the thought of actually reaching my goal of being smaller.  Honestly, how would I deal with it?  My whole day was focused around food and having a chronic illness that deals with how my body digests food, I can't help but to think about it.

So, let me put myself out here.  

 

                      

                               



I was a very small child until about the age of 7.  When I was 7, a family friend named Ms. Mary Chester died from breast cancer.  She had so much faith that God would heal her that she didn't see a healing could come through God but from a doctor.  It took a serious toll on me mentally, emotionally and physically.  I don't think anyone truly realizes that this was a pivotal moment when I began to gain weight.  But as I look back, it started then and it got worse when my mother figured out I was gaining weight.  She was on me like a drill sergeant about losing weight. I never did.  I wasn't even the kid that lost 10 lbs and then gained it back- I just kept gaining.  Then at the age of 9, I started my period.  Jesus, take the wheel.  I definitely started gaining more weight but it started to sit on my body awkwardly.  I was bullied.  I can't even go into that anymore because just writing that phrase brought me to tears.  I was bullied from the age of 8 until the age of 14.  I truly thank God for my sister because kids were so cruel to me in middle school and they had no idea I had a sister in high school at the time.  My first day of high school I wore my Scream Tour T-Shirt, jeans and K-Swiss.  I had asked, well begged, my sister to style my hair the way that high schoolers wore their hair, so I had my hair in the wrap hair style.  I looked just like my sister that morning, just a little bigger, but pretty much the same.  I walked into freshman homeroom very nervous because I wanted to be liked but I already knew the obstacles that faced me, I was overweight, nice, and smart.  As I walked into the classroom, a girl who now has 3 kids with no husband, made a snide comment, saying "Well I've seen beauty and in walks the beast."  I felt so defeated- ON THE FIRST DAY!  I made it to the 3rd floor in time for my Latin class and bumped into my sister.  All her upperclass friends commented on how cute I was and how it was cute that we matched.  I then told her what had happened.  Well, my honor student sister cursed those girls to hell and back.  The girls were in such shock because they had been picking on my for two years and had no idea that when I got to high school, my cool sister would be there.  After a few encounters with my sister, the girls stopped bothering me and I became popular in my own right. Even after I had my own circle of friends, my mother would say things to me like, "If you lost weight, you would probably have more friends."  -__-  Now, I know she meant NO HARM but it definitely didn't help with me wanting to lose weight.

The biggest problem was that now I was used to my weight.  Of course I wanted to lose it but seriously, how was I going to do that?  I mean I've already tried Atkins, Weight Watchers and every other one in the book, what would help me?  I started joining different clubs and did volunteer work on the weekends, I was the ideal highschooler- at least in my mind.  So I gained about 30 lbs in high school but don't get me wrong, I was fly.  College came- by the way, I am STILL in college- and I gained about 20 more pounds but I am cute!  My clothes are nice, my hair is flawless and my makeup is on point; I'm just overweight.

I have had an illness that wasn't diagnosed for most of my colliegate career called Crohn's Disease.  One of the most prevalent symptoms in Crohn's is drastic weight loss- I didn't get that symptom.  Instead, I got the symptom of weight gain.  So now, I feel like I am STUCK between a rock and a hard place but I have so much faith in God, that I will get this weight off.

My whole life, I've felt like there have been three different opinions on my weight.

1. My mother:  She always wanted me to lose the weight.  She was always concerned about my weight. She was always pushing me to lose weight.
2. My father:  He always let me eat.  We ate McDonalds, we loved TastyKakes and don't get me started on Philly Cheesesteaks.
3. My sister:  She always seemed to work out, one way or another.  She would say things like, "Brittanie, we need to work out," or "Brittanie, will you go on a diet with me because I want to tone up."  Once, she even came out and said that she was scared because if something happened to me, it just left her- We All We Got!

But now, I'm focused on the one opinion of my weight and ultimately, my health, that matters- MINE!

Let's call a spade, a spade.  I am FAT but really fly.  I would prefer to be at a healthy weight and still fly.  Oh trust, the flyness is not going anywhere but the weight will.

Too Many Things but Not Enough Energy

Good Morning Y'all!  I have a long list of things to do today but not enough energy to do it.  I need to clean my room [which has been an ongoing project since I was about 6], clean out all the unhealthy food in the house [I started by eating the Krispy Kreme donut this morning], figure out how to make an omelet [y'all I can make anything in the world- except eggs], write out meal plans for the next month [on a broke college student budget], figure out how school is going to work in the fall [how I will pay for it and if I will stay on campus] and also, do some school work [that I have been working on since Spring 2011].

-__-

Also and most importantly, it is my dog's birthday.  She is 1 today!
Isn't she precious?  Her name is Isabella-Elizabeth Pola Johnson but we call her Izzi-Lizzi for short.

Vegetarian

Y'all...

I've decided that I want to become a vegetarian.  No this isn't a new thought of mine but it is a new decision. I'm sick of being sick.  It is pitiful how sick I am.  Now I am not depending on this vegetarian lifestyle to cure me of my afflictions but I do believe that I will feel better and have more energy.

Honestly y'all, I am not the Brittanie-Claire that I want to be and to me that is SAD.  I get so stuck on what and who people want me to be that somewhere Brie-Skie got lost.  Well, she is slowly coming back.  Growing up I hated meat.  I didn't want it on my plate and if it was steak, I was definitely giving it to my dad.  When we would go to any steakhouse I would order a salad... So what is up with me now?

My ultimate goal is to become a Vegan, Raw Vegan.  [said like Bond, James Bond]  I've been trying to convert to eating organic or safe foods since I started college but now it is actually the time to just do it.  So over the next few weeks expect me to be upset that I am missing 25 cent wings on Tuesday night.

Seriously though folks,  I can't DRINK liquor, wine, beer... none of it.  I can't drink soda pop nor coffee.  I can't eat fried foods nor fatty foods.  My body rejects fruits, veggies and red meat.  So I might as well try to go with the healthiest thing that I can't eat and try to retrain my body.  So let's fruit and veggie it up!

Tomorrow, Lord willing and if I have the energy, I am going to clean out the cabinets, fridge and freezer.  Also, I am going to look more in depth at Whole Foods Four Pillars of Healthy Eating. Trust y'all, this will be very difficult for me but I am so determined to do this that I am not even going to eat the Filet Mignon in the freezer.  

Life... Experiences

It has been a very long time since I posted on THIS blog.  I have had other blogs but I don’t think it truly let’s people get to know me, the real me.  I’ve let things and people define me for the past two and a half years of my life.  What a sad reality to live in.  I haven’t been focused on God since early 2010, I was more so focused on a boy trying to be a man.  I have been focused on a disease that has pretty much consumed my life. I was so focused on joining a sorority, that I began to let the fact that I wasn’t a member of it define me. I HAVE NOT BEEN FOCUSED.  I mean, I was focused on snapshots of what my life could be but not the whole picture of how beautiful life is.  Small things do matter but when you can’t realize that one small pixel won’t ruin a photo, then you are twisted.  I am happy that I have realized this before my life just wasted away and I became an old, bitter woman. 

This is the hard part though…  I am trying to get back to the Brittanie-Claire that I was pre-2010 but she is gone.  That blows my mind.  Some decisions you make will always stay with you.  For some people, they have a kid by a man that didn’t care about them but for me, mine is so much more mental.  So much hurt in two years!  I didn’t know it was possible but, my people, it is!  I can’t just be the carefree Brittanie-Claire that I was because I now have these experiences and memories that will always stay with me but I can be the new and improved Brittanie-Claire.  I’ve learned so much in the past two years but I truly want my innocence back. 

Recently, I saw my ex-boyfriend from 2007-2009 and so much of me has changed since then, that I had no idea where to even start the conversation.  He said that I was “distant.”  I’ve matured.  Yeck!  I never wanted to mature.  I have so much wisdom now, that I believe was always there but I never tapped into it. Y’all life is a beast. 

I’ll continue this later but know that I love you all!